The most dangerous woman in the world wide web

This is the face of a cyber-terrorist. Really, it is, and to the right is another shot of this notorious criminal flaunting it on the cover of a terrorist handbook, and instructing you on how to climb mountains in order to evade the authorities.

So Jessica Biel is the most dangerous celebrity to search for this year, since the odds are good if you download her, you're going to catch something on your puter.

To me this is further proof no one will ever do anything worthwhile about all the crap on the internets. Yes the internets. The internets is full of wonderful things, and 900 billion bad ones.

Has anyone asked themselves why all the major search engines do not proactively scan your

search results and block all the bad ones? Or why ISP's who know there is infected traffic coming from a customer, don't shut down the customer? Or why the customers don't perform the simplest acts to ensure their computer safety? We know if Microsoft or Apple were to try adding antivirus protection to their OS, someone would scream monopoly, but why is there no built-in... oh wait, Microsoft does have something like that but it's too hard to turn it on right?

Fuck it, why ask? We can just blame Ms. Biel. I hope she sues everyone for loss of advertising revenue.

Here's a tip though, if you take care of your computer, give it a good cleaning and some decent, free anti-virus software, you can download all the Jessica Biel you want.

Can't we turn this positive and have her do a PSA about computer safety? Somebody would actually watch that PSA.

Angry day

Not for me, but today was an angry day. I'll admit I had some tense moments, but not anything close to the rage I would see several times throughout the day.

I felt kind of crappy today so I was somewhat mellow. It wasn't a really hot day or a really crappy day or anything like that. Nonetheless, I came across no less than 5 different altercations today, and I was afraid one of them would turn into a mob scene when a couple of D-Bags jumped the line for the bus. My bus line is about 120 people crammed into a small area with no air conditioning, this would have gotten ugly.

It is times like this I am thankful that I have my angry under control. The discipline of mad-fu has paid off many times over, but today I realized just how much. I was able to notice something really amazing today, people look really stupid when they're worked up in a rage fighting, verbally or otherwise.

There is something to be said for being assertive, being cool and collected, and getting your point across in a manly way. There is also something to be said for restraint and picking which battles are worth your time if you possibly end up in court or a hospital.

Screaming "NO CUTSIES" in a sweaty rage down a terminal... not cool. Walking all the way up to the front of the line to tell them off, then you yourself cut in line since you're up there, not cool.

There's a right way and a wrong way to be confrontational and there are times and places. If you don't know the difference, just don't.

Privacy, or how much everyone owns you by accepting these terms of service.

This is nothing new. "By entering these premises you acknowledge our right to use images of you in any promotional materials..."

Wait, so I paid you $500 to get my family of five into your dated ass-clown theme park and you're going to use our pictures of us eating junk in your park, that I again paid for, in your ads and I'm not even getting some money back? Okay fine mouseboy, little Billy is screaming his fool head off. You win this round, but I would avoid your cheese when you get home.

So why do we care about sites like facenook or mytrace using, or even owning, our stuff for their benefit amongst themselves and their partners?

Well, because it is easier for them to take a picture you uploaded 15 seconds ago, have a nerd in Palo Alto say "damn this girl is hot" and flag it for horndog advertising that requires pics of sexy bitches which they got for free, but they sell as a service to their "authorized" partners.

That's right upload your pic of you during that foam party at Senor Schlongs, you'll may be used in a banner advertising birth control, dating sites for recovering meth addicts, herpes cream, and extra large adult toys.

At least you'll get paid and be famous right? Nope, but facenook and the like will, and they're stock worth will be bigger than that adult toy next to your face in that banner. Go ahead, click it and see what you like, your boss will.

Someone needs to stop all of this. The theme parks, the social sites, business in general, and the dicks in HR who think it's okay for your employer to be THAT involved in your personal business.

Disposable Products

Don't you hate when a product lasts a really long time? It was terrible growing up in the 80's and 90's when you or your parents bought a product and it delivered years of dependable service day-after-day. I grew weary of paying a lot of money for something, and then knowing it would just last me a really long time, so that after years of dependable service, I would be heartbroken, having gotten used to it actually working over the past 5 or 20 years, and now I would have to buy a new one.

No really, this is depressing because now I know whatever I buy as a replacement will break in less than a year. The warranties actually reflect this:

"How much is this TV? $900? What's the warranty? 90 days? Extended warranty? $600?"

Why not just make a better TV with a slightly higher price tag? You would expect the more expensive TV to last longer right? Wrong! The $3000 TV is subject to the same scam.

It seems everything manufactured lately is subject to the same problem. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of good reliable products on the market, it's just getting hard to find them. You filter through brand after brand and model after model researching review after review and design after design to find one that works well, and why? To find the one that won't break so fast.

Consumers are frustrated by spending money on something, getting to like it and appreciating it in your home, then shortly thereafter having to replace it or deal with warranty service or whatever other nightmare results. Where small ticket items are just a let down, bigger ticket items like appliances, home entertainment, and vehicles, well they just suck when you need to deal with problematic items.

The real frustration in this is that manufacturers think this "planned obsolescence" is good for business because you the consumer will say "Darn, it broke, let me go buy another one of this same brand piece of crap."

I have news for the manufacturers, that only works if the consumer got several years of good service out of the product. I remember a handful of products which I remain brand loyal to for a having a history of products that provided years of trouble free service. I have a closet full of brands I refuse to trust because I have been burned by them repeatedly. 90 days is not a good service life for something that you paid good money for. Dead, bright, or otherwise malfunctioning pixels right out of the box on a new product are not acceptable on a NEW PRODUCT. I don't care if you think 3 dead pixels in an inch are the standard for a defective new product, I expect my new product to have ZERO DEAD PIXELS when I just shelled out $3000 for it.

Wake up and use your inner mad to identify your problem products. Avoid them, share the experience, help others stay away. Send a message to the D-bags that keep building them.

Also, sending me a refurbished product to replace my NEW product, is not an option.

Let them have it people, electronics manufacturers are getting out of control, and if you haven't noticed, everything has electronics now. I'm tired of replacing my air conditioner every 2 years (if it gets that far) because the control panels keep burning out... and the TV no one can find replacement parts for, and the home theater with a glitch out of the box, and a red ring of death, and a battery fire, and an engine seizing... this could go on for a while. How does this stuff really make it past quality control?

Oh wait, they "eliminated" the QC department because they cost too much. Show them how much crappy products and bad service cost them.

Customer Service: You must be out your god damn mind

This is amazing. I sit down around this time to reflect on my day and how things went. Not a bad day overall, eurotrash and his whore take the last 2 seats on the bus when they were the last 2 to arrive at the bus stop, full bus to and from work, the first truly dipshit bus driver that I've encountered in my 3 years of an insane commute (to me at least), minor things ticking me off at work here and there, nothing major. Mad-fu has enabled me to pick the battles that warrant me going super saiyajin on someone. Had some nice news from my family, good conversation with co-workers, you know, a pretty bland day with peaks and valleys.

At this point I had nothing to write about in the blog so I started surfing the web... when my blackberry alerts me of incoming mail... why oh why do I bother to check the fucking thing.

Seems the sales manager for a product I use finally gets around to contacting me after about a week of foo flying back and forth about how they're going to terminate access for my clients at the end of the month. Now they never mentioned this to me so I would have time to do something about it, they just sent it out there directly to my clients and had it explode all over their screen in that blood dripping font from the 90's "YOUR PRODUCT WILL DIE SOON... FOREVER!"

Okay it wasn't that dramatic, but it did cause "concern" which ran up the corporate communication ladder, and we turned to the vendor for help.

So I've been working with our account manager (different guy) who's responses have been "odd", but he was working on it, so I figured I'd give him time to work. Not a bad guy all around, just stuck in a shite company like I am.

So back on track as to why I'm pissed off. The D-Bag sales guy finally gets back to me after a week. Is he apologetic, or concerned, or compassionate to our problem? FUCK NOOOOOOO, this D-Bag e-mails me late at night to tell me what a ruckus MY problem has caused for them and he's trying to figure out what MY problem is, and how we really should be using THEIR NEW PRODUCT to avoid these issues with their old product that they recommended. God help him.

Now I know that these are the tactics that sales people use to get you thinking "Oh thank you for saving me" but no fuck that don't bring that garbage to me when I'm paying you for support and the best support I get all these years is not even present when there's an invoice involved. Truth be told I don't really care how this plays out any more but I do care about saying what I have to say. I'm not your buddy, I'm not the one getting commissions or kickbacks, you shall receive your invective.

Why is it so hard for people to understand customer service? It's not hard:

• You = employee
• Me = customer
• You paid to give me pleasant shopping experience
• Me buy things if you make happy
• Happier I am, less I care about that $50 fee you tacked on after I reviewed numbers
• Me like happy, me come back to buy more things
• You LEAVE YOUR FUCKING PROBLEMS AT THE EMPLOYEE LOUNGE AND GIVE ME A FUCKING HAND PLEASE, I JUST WANT TO BUY SOMETHING AND LEAVE PEACEFULLY. SPARE ME THE DETAILS OF YOUR FUCKED UP BOSS AND START YOUR OWN BLOG ABOUT IT FOR PEOPLE TO READ ON THEIR OWN TIME.

See, customer service.

Now these suited up commissioned sales D-Bags need to get knocked down a peg. They have the easiest job in the world. They get to travel, they get to expense it, they know we need to buy a product, but they like to be greedy. Now as a customer, offer us a good price, guarantee us some good service, we might care that you want a contract signed by a certain date to make your numbers. But do not ever EVER e-mail me and turn my customer support crisis into MY problem that you are trying to understand, A WEEK LATER AT MIDNIGHT BEFORE A CALL DISCUSSING THE SIGNING OF YOUR INVOICE SO YOU CAN GET A BOAT.

You douche.

To be fair, when it comes to the world of contract / subscription service type products, most of the salespeople are a delight. They're pleasant to work with, buy you lunch every now and then, bestow a thumb drive or some cubical goodies on you, actually listen and get involved when you have a problem. Then there's this guy, the type that really belongs in a used car lot or furniture store.

I don't have a problem with salespeople, I have a problem with a certain type of salesperson. If you are a salesperson, don't be that type. If you are that type, save your money and buy a cheaper suit, you still look like a turd regardless of how you're dressed.

I hate bringing the CIO bad news, I like that dude.

CIA Hired Blackwater to Whack Jihadis

In what must be the ultimate display of Republican policies, the Bush administration CIA had the intent of outsourcing the Al-Qaeda hit parade.

Keeping with the ideals that corporate America can do everything better, has everyone's best interests at heart, and is good at regulating itself without any government intervention, they felt Blackwater could do a better job than any government entity.

Now I don't care that we're trying to whack Al-Qaeda leaders, they have this coming to them for more reasons than 9/11. There was also 2/26/93, countless other atrocities, the bastardization of a religion, bringing about the day-in-day-out hassle of post 9/11 security and the general inconvenience associated with it, which actually highlighted how incompetent many security staff are. Goddammit I hate when random security guards and people cite 9/11 to add bulk to their otherwise baseless arguments.

Now as I was saying, I don't care that we're trying to whack Al-Qaeda leaders, I just don't understand why we would take that mission away from our hard working military people. Why pay millions of dollars in government contracts to "private security forces", instead of giving American soldiers raises and better shit? We all like raises, we all like better shit, I think they deserve raises and better shit for dealing with that debacle in the desert.

Ironically, one of the big topics of the time was the outsourcing of American jobs, in some cases to foreign companies. The government itself practiced this, not to a foreign army, but they outsourced the jobs of American soldiers to a private company. We now know how well the term "contractor" played out in Iraq. Just like I tell my boss whenever he brings in a consultant... "Why are you paying someone else more money to fuck it up and leave you with a mess, when I'll fuck it up for you and stick around to fix it if you give me a raise?"

A message to corporate America and the U.S. Government: retain your good employees and reward them well, they will stick around to fix your shit. Contractors will implement as little as they can to walk away with the payout as fast as they can. You people are all dipshits.

Is there a blue pill that can erase 2001-2009 for me?


http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/08/20/cia-hired-blackwater-al-qaeda-hit-squads/

fanboys

I hate fanboys.
I'm learning that when writing for a blog, inspiration often comes from the strangest places. It just sneaks up on you while you go about your business and then [shhhhk-thunk]Boot To The Head], hey, I hate fanboys.

I've been trying to do some research to see if there is such a thing as fangirls, I guess it is possible, but the term just hasn't caught on for what I am assuming is the girls mature faster than boys thing. I've never really encountered a fangirl, but I guess it is possible they exist.
JHC I hate fanboys. You know who they are, if you like playstation, they will debate you to the death on how Xbox pwns playstation. The almighty Saint Fu is powerless against them. If you beat them to a bloody pulp with their fanboy toy (XBox for example) they will tell you how a playstation would have never stood up to such abuse and how much better built an XBox is.

Fuck them.

You would swear that the fanboy was being paid by the manufacturer to be an evangelist for the product. The product can do no wrong, and if it is faulty it must be due to user error. It has come to light on occasion that some fanboys ARE paid by the manufacturer to evangelize a product. For this, I say kudos to the paid fanboy for finding an easy job, but fuck you to the manufacturer for unleashing this D-Bag on me.

They're not haters. They genuinely believe their product is better and you are wrong no matter what. Even if you acknowledge they are correct, "you don't know the half of how correct they are". I guess these are the brainwashed fucktards that age in their immaturity to become middle management and spew corporate propaganda over and over no matter how many times they've been burned.

Wait, that just explained a lot about some of my "bosses".

D-Bag Poll

I had a poll here about D-Bags, and who was the biggest. It turns out that the law may side with the D-Bags and allow them to sue me for slander and all that stuff. So in typical blog fashion, here's where I bash Obama for not protecting the freedom of speech that Bush abolished.

When did it get so that you could not call a D-Bag a D-Bag in this country? I don't really blame either president, just these judges that go around screwing the little guy repeatedly. Now anyone who is either in the main stream media, or rich, could go around on national TV and flat out call someone a D-Bag. However a little old blogger that has all of 3 people (if that many) following their blog goes and calls you a D-Bag, 2 things happen:

1. The blogger becomes world famous and an overnight "celebrity".
2. The D-Bag gets paid, even though they are generally accepted as a D-Bag.

Seems to me that these cases should be put up to a public opinion poll where you, in web 2.0 fashion, txt in your vote to 56789. If the public agrees that the celebrity is a D-Bag, then the blogger is only calling a hoe a hoe and stating general facts about the person. If the public decides the celebrity is not a D-Bag (or in this case a skank), then the blogger is guilty of slander, has to pay damages, blog an apology, and post a pic of them kissing the celebrity's ass.

I am a Madman, but to get sued for something stupid, would be stupid, and therefore I would violate one of the prime directives and be forced to flail on myself like a killer ninja-monkey. Therefore I retract my poll on who is the bigger D-Bag, Dr. Conrad Murray, Kim Jong Il, Perez Hilton, or Steve Jobs. They are all fine upstanding people with better lawyers than I.

Read the original news article at:

http://news.cnet.com/8301-17852_3-10312359-71.html

Anger Sessions

Anger, if left unchecked, will consume you. If you can no longer distinguish the points throughout your day where you were angry, at peace, or maybe even possibly happy, you're walking a dangerous line.

To be a master in mad-fu, you must learn to embrace your anger, channel it, and release it constructively. No good comes from a reckless release, no matter how good it feels. Part of this process is being mindful of your flow throughout the day so you can identify the good, the bad, and yes, the fugly. Once you do this, you can effectively recognize, address, and overcome the anger so it does not ruin your entire day, or affect fellow normal people (other mad-isticians).

Here is an example:

Well rested and ready to face another wonderful day at work (couldn't sleep, drag-assing, dreading the stupidity I will encounter on the way to, during, and coming home from work...)

I got on the bus and said good morning to the driver. (I'm relatively calm right now, and I'm courteous to the person who has to deal with more stupidity than me in a day, and who has my safety in their hands for 2 out of 24 hours every day.)

It was hot outside, but the bus AC was nice and cold, and there was a calm scent in the air (thank God the AC is working and the bus doesn't smell like piss.)

I reflected on the smell as it was familiar, and happy. A childhood memory of walking into Baskin-Robbins on a hot summer day, the cold refrigerated air permeated with sweet smells of cream and sugar, the anticipation of a frosty treat. (Shit, I wish I had time to eat breakfast, but at least I'm going to enjoy this ride.)

A few stops later a dude sits in front of me. (the bus will be crowded soon and I might get angry at someone. Anticipate the stupid.)

The normal dude in front of me begins to clean his ears with a Q-tip, then proceeds to place the waxy swab on the window sill, where my sweet smelling cool air is blowing from. (STUPIDITY SNEAK ATTACK! NOT A NORMAL DUDE!) (If you haven't recognized it, this is the moment where the anger started.)

I picture myself elbowing him hard to the back of the head. (This arguable overreaction may ruin more than just the next 20 minutes of my life.)

He proceeded to make a phone call to someone about rescheduling something, you know, an annoying phone call about your business I don't care to hear. All I heard was this is "Mark White" needing to blah, blah, blah, STFU. (Saint Fu is arguably my favorite Saint.)

So, rather than elbowing him in the head, Mark White presented me with the opportunity to say "Excuse me, are you Mark White?? Mark White could you take that Q-tip you just cleaned your ears with and remove it from the AC duct we are all breathing air from? Thanks Mark White!" (This action is best performed while they are still on the phone.)

I was happy again. (This, and now I still have to go to work.)

Notice how Mad-Fu prevailed and the day was not lost. Anger arrived, was welcomed, harnessed, and then set free.

I wonder if that sweet smell was chemical in nature and I was exposed to more toxins than usual during that ride. Probably.

Stupidity

Since I’m now blogging, I had to ask myself, “what is a blog anyway?” Where did this word come from? I did not grow up with this word, I did not see it on the SAT’s, nor did Sister Mary Veronica punish me for not using blog in the proper context.

The term "blog" is a contraction of "Web log." "Blog" can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog as in, “I’m going to blog about this”… which brings me to my rant on stupidity. Where did that come from? The thought that "blog" can make it into the dictionary because a bunch of peckers accept it as a word, and from my stupid boss, and from spammers, and from my repeated use of and in a sentence, and from the stupidity which is rampant and commonly accepted in today's "educated" society. Here's a new word: "Studicker" (pronounced “stew-dik-rrrrr”) that's a contraction of "Stupid Dick Mother Fucker". Start using it, it will catch on, and I want credit for it.

You see, I have come to realize that stupidity is the root of all anger. Whether anger is:

Rational:
“You did something stupid and I am now angry.”

Or irrational:
“I’m angry because I’m stupid and you’re did something contrary to my beliefs.”

Or pseudo-rational:
“We educated fucks are rallying you stupid fucks to be angry for our cause.”

In the endless journey to perfect my craft, I have learned to ask myself:

• Which category does my anger fall into?
• Am I being manipulated, or called to action against the forces of studickers?
• If my anger is rational, can we resolve this through peaceful discussion, or do I need to flail on you like a killer ninja-monkey?

I’ve learned to ask myself a lot more than that but let’s explore that over the life of this blog, and get back on topic.

I am tired of stupidity, I can't bear it anymore. Every time I encounter stupidity, I wish I could spray Raid on it and make it dead.

I'm in the process of reading a really interesting book… for the past year or two. It caught my eye one day, and I'm glad I picked it up, since it is out of print. The book is "It's Not My Department!: How America Can Return to Excellence Giving and Receiving Quality Service" by Peter Glen.

While reading the first 37 pages, I realized the book is old, stupidity is not a new thing. Stupidity has been around for quite some time. It has burrowed its way into normal accepted life for the past 20 years or so, and then the internet spread it like wildfire, along with all the good and educational stuff. It was there all throughout history, and it is generally acknowledged that whenever the studickers held the power and the force, well, life was bad.

I guarantee that when you trace back the timeline of your anger session, you will find that stupidity found a way to be involved.

Welcome

This is where things get angry. This is where frustration, madness, hurt, despair, hope, defeat, success, pride, joy, and pain all collide in a scathing fireball unleashed in text.

What is this blog about? It is about nothing. It is about everything. Mainly it is a place where I will set free my ramblings, rants, and opinions for all to see.

Why should you care what I have to say? I don't really care if you do or don't. If you stick around, welcome. If you don't, that's fine too. I recognize opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Well, everyone has a blog too, and I don't see a shortage of assholes coming anytime soon, so here is my blog to call out all the assholes. It is about time someone wrote another angry blog on the internet to tell everyone to go fuck themselves, so welcome, and go fuck yourself.

I'm not here to be depressing all the time; I am generally a light-hearted and loving person who just really hates when people piss in my cheerios. If you piss in my cheerios, I will make sure you get to enjoy your recipe. Notice the positive attitude for you motivational fucks. I WILL make sure, not I’ll try…

Aside from standing on my pulpit and unleashing an invective on society, I’ll be discussing the usual garbage on the net. I’ll comment on stuff I see, read, use, cook, or eat. I’ll post about stuff that makes me happy, sad, bored, interested, confused, enlightened, stupefied, and of course, angry. I’m even considering defining the levels of angry, for reference.

I hate blogs, I hate bloggers, I hate blogging, I hate that the most effective manner of communicating this is blogging. Someone should license people to blog, but then someone would blog about the infringement on freedom of speech, then someone else would blog about the Obama administration failing to protect our first amendment rights and someone else would blog about how the Bush administration destroyed those rights so that there was nothing left for Obama to protect.

This is not a debate blog. If I hate you, I hate you and that is final. Don’t try getting me to change my mind, just do stuff to make me hate you less. This isn’t hate like “hatin’” like “I’m hatin’ on you because you have a nicer car, etc…” I hate you, you mother fucker, because you are a D-bag in a nicer car. Stop being a D-bag.

This is now my effort at writing down what pops into my head from day-to-day so one day I can read through everything and see what the fuck is wrong with me, or almost everyone else. I fear I may never find the answer.

I’m even debating leveraging the tools I hate the most, just to more effectively track how the hate grows throughout the day. Maybe I’ll SpaceBook this stuff, or use that service for Twits. All I know is my “anger management” is going to be me embracing my anger. I’ve come to note that “happy people” might just be abnormal, “angry people” are normal, and that guy in your office that strokes his AK-47 while walking around shooting people, well he’s really abnormal, but I think the “happy people” might have started it. I also worry that the happy people are a quick snap from turning into the shooty people.

If you’re an angry person like me, just caught in the crossfire and trying to get away, welcome, this blog might be for you.

Have a nice day!