20 August 2009

Customer Service: You must be out your god damn mind

This is amazing. I sit down around this time to reflect on my day and how things went. Not a bad day overall, eurotrash and his whore take the last 2 seats on the bus when they were the last 2 to arrive at the bus stop, full bus to and from work, the first truly dipshit bus driver that I've encountered in my 3 years of an insane commute (to me at least), minor things ticking me off at work here and there, nothing major. Mad-fu has enabled me to pick the battles that warrant me going super saiyajin on someone. Had some nice news from my family, good conversation with co-workers, you know, a pretty bland day with peaks and valleys.

At this point I had nothing to write about in the blog so I started surfing the web... when my blackberry alerts me of incoming mail... why oh why do I bother to check the fucking thing.

Seems the sales manager for a product I use finally gets around to contacting me after about a week of foo flying back and forth about how they're going to terminate access for my clients at the end of the month. Now they never mentioned this to me so I would have time to do something about it, they just sent it out there directly to my clients and had it explode all over their screen in that blood dripping font from the 90's "YOUR PRODUCT WILL DIE SOON... FOREVER!"

Okay it wasn't that dramatic, but it did cause "concern" which ran up the corporate communication ladder, and we turned to the vendor for help.

So I've been working with our account manager (different guy) who's responses have been "odd", but he was working on it, so I figured I'd give him time to work. Not a bad guy all around, just stuck in a shite company like I am.

So back on track as to why I'm pissed off. The D-Bag sales guy finally gets back to me after a week. Is he apologetic, or concerned, or compassionate to our problem? FUCK NOOOOOOO, this D-Bag e-mails me late at night to tell me what a ruckus MY problem has caused for them and he's trying to figure out what MY problem is, and how we really should be using THEIR NEW PRODUCT to avoid these issues with their old product that they recommended. God help him.

Now I know that these are the tactics that sales people use to get you thinking "Oh thank you for saving me" but no fuck that don't bring that garbage to me when I'm paying you for support and the best support I get all these years is not even present when there's an invoice involved. Truth be told I don't really care how this plays out any more but I do care about saying what I have to say. I'm not your buddy, I'm not the one getting commissions or kickbacks, you shall receive your invective.

Why is it so hard for people to understand customer service? It's not hard:
  • You = employee
  • Me = customer
  • You paid to give me pleasant shopping experience
  • Me buy things if you make happy
  • Happier I am, less I care about that $50 fee you tacked on after I reviewed numbers
  • Me like happy, me come back to buy more things
  • You LEAVE YOUR FUCKING PROBLEMS AT THE EMPLOYEE LOUNGE AND GIVE ME A FUCKING HAND PLEASE, I JUST WANT TO BUY SOMETHING AND LEAVE PEACEFULLY. SPARE ME THE DETAILS OF YOUR FUCKED UP BOSS AND START YOUR OWN BLOG ABOUT IT FOR PEOPLE TO READ ON THEIR OWN TIME.

See, customer service.

Now these suited up commissioned sales D-Bags need to get knocked down a peg. They have the easiest job in the world. They get to travel, they get to expense it, they know we need to buy a product, but they like to be greedy. Now as a customer, offer us a good price, guarantee us some good service, we might care that you want a contract signed by a certain date to make your numbers. But do not ever EVER e-mail me and turn my customer support crisis into MY problem that you are trying to understand, A WEEK LATER AT MIDNIGHT BEFORE A CALL DISCUSSING THE SIGNING OF YOUR INVOICE SO YOU CAN GET A BOAT.

You douche.

To be fair, when it comes to the world of contract / subscription service type products, most of the salespeople are a delight. They're pleasant to work with, buy you lunch every now and then, bestow a thumb drive or some cubical goodies on you, actually listen and get involved when you have a problem. Then there's this guy, the type that really belongs in a used car lot or furniture store.

I don't have a problem with salespeople, I have a problem with a certain type of salesperson. If you are a salesperson, don't be that type. If you are that type, save your money and buy a cheaper suit, you still look like a turd regardless of how you're dressed.

I hate bringing the CIO bad news, I like that dude.

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